Unlocking Harmony: Your Guide to Understanding and Breaking Relationship Conflict

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is about how we create lasting bonds with the people who matter the most. Sometimes, in our attempts to reach for our loved one we end up stepping on each other’s toes. We don’t mean to but it still hurts. We end up getting into a cycle of conflict that traps us in isolation and frustration.

This cycle shows up as repetitive arguments or silent tensions, leaving both partners yearning for closeness but feeling unable to break free. Neither of you likes or wants this. You’re both smart and capable people but you haven’t been able to crack this code. It’s important to recognize that the cycle, not you or your partner, is the source of this struggle.

It’s not you Baby, it’s the Cycle!:

The good news is that it isn’t your fault! There are good reasons for getting caught in these patterns of conflict. You are trying hard to reconnect with your partner, while also trying to get your relationship needs met. Neither of these things is bad! But the strategies aren’t working and you are both tired and frustrated. Yet the cycle won’t let you go. Around and round the cycle spins you like a merry-go-round from a nightmare.

The Agony of Disconnection:

As social species, we are primed for connection. Disconnection within our most important relationship causes primal fear, and we move to protect ourselves from this threat. This response is hardwired into us through millions of years of evolution. And we could no sooner stop our need for connection than stop breathing. As uncomfortable as it is, it’s a vital part of our humanness.

Strategies for Dealing with Disconnection:

We move to protect ourselves from the agony of disconnection in two ways.

Pursuers Strategies:

One way is to pursue. A pursuer deals with vulnerability within their relationship by moving toward their partner to hash things out and reconnect. As their desperation to reach their partner increases, they may pursue by complaining or nagging. The longer the issues are unresolved the more urgency to connect a pursuer feels. Mild complaints turn into anger and harsh criticisms. While some of a pursuer’s criticisms seem unrelated to their longing to connect, the underlying needs are the same. Criticisms carry the painful question “Are you there for me and do you care?”. Pursuers often feel that they are too much for their partner. And fear they will never get the closeness and love they need.

Withdrawers Strategies:

The other way to seek protection is to withdraw. The withdrawer deals with vulnerability by moving away and shutting down in an attempt to save the relationship from conflict. Withdrawers are often overwhelmed by emotional intensity. They hope to cool down the emotional climate by giving the conflict and their partner space. They may seem utterly unfazed on the surface, but the truth is they are working hard to regulate and navigate overwhelming emotions. These strategies can range from getting “intellectual” to get distance from emotions, to walking away from the conflict to put literal distance between themselves and the source of discomfort.

If the cycle is left unaddressed, the withdrawers strategy of shutting down can leave them very disconnected from their own feelings. This leaves their partner feeling even more alone. Over time, the withdrawer starts to feel that they are not good enough for their partner and that they will never be able to meet their partner’s needs.

Well… That Didn’t Work. When Protection Leads to Conflict:

The most common pattern in relationships is to have one pursuer and one withdrawer. This combination comprises over 80% of adult monogamous romantic relationships. Because these two protection strategies are very different they can result in a cycle of conflict.

As the pursuer feels disconnected, stressed and in need of their partner, they may reach for them with a mild complaint. The withdrawer reacts by moving away or shutting down to protect themselves from emotional intensity and to prevent a fight from happening. This leaves the pursuer feeling more alone and desperate to reach their partner for comfort and care. Their complaints turn into angry criticisms. As a result, the withdrawer gets increasingly overwhelmed and responds by trying to cool down the emotional climate by shutting down even further. Round and round the couple go, trapped by the cycle that has them both overwhelmed, hurt, and very alone.

Protection Prevents Connection:

In this state, couples struggle to attune to each other’s emotional needs, hindering genuine connection. Over time, protection strategies exacerbate conflict and diminish emotional responsiveness and closeness.

The good news is that these patterns are understandable and with support changeable. Collective sigh of relief! However, if you have been stuck in a cycle of conflict for a while there might be some wounds that need to be healed and damage to be repaired. The hurt might be so immense that you wonder if recreating closeness is even possible.

Break the Cycle of Conflict with EFT Couples Counselling:

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) offers a proven solution to break free from the cycle of conflict. It is the gold standard in couples counselling and the best approach for helping you to become unstuck from your cycle of conflict. Research shows that a whopping ninety percent (90%) of couples who undergo EFT therapy experience a significant improvement in their relationship. While 70-75% of couples report no longer experiencing relationship distress after EFT couples therapy. These research results are staggering when compared to 35% improvement rates from the next leading couples therapy model.

Conclusion:

When you are caught up in your cycle it is really hard to spot it, slow it down and stop it. Your nervous system is so busy trying to find safety through habitual protective strategies that there is little energy left to notice anything else. And who can blame you. When a threat is imminent it’s hard to slow down and smell the proverbial roses. As an EFT trained counsellor, I help couples to break free from the cycle of conflict and disconnection to create secure romantic relationships that thrive.

Whether your cycle of conflict is volatile, loud and argumentative or a slow and quiet shutting down of communication and closeness, you are not alone. I can team up with you and your partner to facilitate change by slowing things down, unpacking and understanding the cycle. We will uncover and express your unmet needs and find new ways to reach for your partner without painfully stepping on each other’s toes. I will help you learn to de-escalate the cycle of conflict and work toward recreating safety and connection in your relationship. From this place you will be able to work through issues that had previously seemed impossible.

With the right support, you and your partner can team up against the cycle to regain control of your relationship. As an EFT trained couples counsellor, I would love to assist you in breaking free from the cycle to create the closeness that you long for. Let’s connect!