Understanding Withdrawers: A Guide to Emotional Intimacy

Understanding Withdrawers

A Guide to Emotional Intimacy

Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) is based on the robust research of Attachment theory. This theory was developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainswoth to explain how children form bonds with their caregivers. It was later applied to adult love relationships by Dr. Sue Johnson and others. Understanding attachment styles, particularly the withdrawer, is crucial for fostering healthy romantic relationships.

The Science of Love:

The field of attachment science is vast but at its core, it’s the science of love. How we form loving bonds with the people who matter most to us. Attachment theory also informs how we move to protect ourselves when our loved one feels out of reach. There are three ways we form attachments with others: anxious, avoidant, or disorganized – based on our childhood experiences. At times we can exhibit a bit of either anxious and avoidant strategies. And different relationships can elicit more anxious or avoidant attachment tendencies. However, in general, we tend to exhibit one style within our romantic relationship. Recognizing these patterns is vital for understanding relationship dynamics.

Opposites Attract:

80% of adult monogamous romantic relationships consist of one pursuer and one withdrawer. Below we will look at how a withdrawer operates within a relationship with a pursuing partner.

Withdrawer attachment style:

Withdrawers likely have an avoidant attachment style. They naturally need downtime and solo time away from their partner to recharge and self-regulate. They experience emotional intensity and conflict as overwhelming and threatening. And when conflict arises, they move to protect themselves by moving away from their partner to calm down and self-sooth.

Emotional Regulation Challenges:

It shouldn’t be assumed that just because withdrawers are less vocal than their pursuing partners that they do not feel intensely. They do! They just struggle to identify their emotions and need time and space to figure it out. Often, they will provide cognitive answers to emotionally based questions. When asked directly about how they feel, withdrawers will say things like “I don’t know”. And although this might drive their pursuing partner up the wall, it is often the truth!

Not knowing how they feel makes it really hard for withdrawers to know what they need to calm down and feel better. They are often flooded by emotion which is scary and anxiety producing. Withdrawers attempt to deal with this by shutting down, withdrawing or distracting themselves from their emotions in an attempt to rally.

Navigating Conflict and Pressure:

Unsurprisingly, withdrawers do not like conflict within their relationship. In fact, they are masters of conflict avoidance! In a healthy relationship, this aversion is vital because it smooths out unnecessary conflicts by not turning each gripe into a full blown battle.

They rarely voice complaints about their partner or relationship. Instead they opt to let most issues slide. They tell themselves “it’s not that big of a deal, or let’s focus on the positive ”. This helps them not only avoid conflict but also to avoid sitting in the discomfort of negative emotions by minimizing the impact of unmet needs on their own wellbeing. But unfortunately, it leaves important issues within the relationship unaddressed and unresolved. It can also backfire spectacularly, when this strategy is used in response to their pursuing partner’s attempts to address relationship issues.

The pressure of unmet expectations:

In response to their pursuing partners complaints or requests, withdrawers feel overwhelmed. They feel fear and anxiety around trying to live up to the expectations of the pursuer. Under the weight of this pressure, they often feel like a failure – believing they are not good enough for their partner. Understandably, this is a scary and painful experience for withdrawers. Not knowing how to ‘fix’ the problem they instead opt for damage control, by shutting down the fight, hoping to prevent further escalation. They then retreat to attend to their emotional wound in private.

It would be wrong to assume that all withdrawers are always quiet though. Some can respond to conflict or criticisms by getting loud and explosive. But in these instances, the withdrawer’s loudness is functioning to get them space from their pursuing partner. The loudness is aimed at putting distance between them and the immense shame they feel about not living up to their partner’s expectations.

Withdrawer strategies:

Minimizing the issues
Deflecting
Defending
Shutting down
Getting quiet
Walking away
Getting overly intellectual
Pushing for the Positive Outlook
Blowing up/jabbing back in order to get space

Can you see yourself in any of these withdrawer moves? What has you feeling threatened within your relationship? If it is emotional intensity, pressure, or conflict, then you are likely a withdrawer. What helps you to calm down after being triggered? If you answered, taking time and space away from your partner to let things cool down then you are very likely a withdrawer.

Origins of a Withdrawer:

If you relate to the list above, you might be wondering if you are a withdrawer. If you are, don’t worry, you are in good company! You might also be wondering how you ended up as a withdrawer. Well, withdrawers are not born this way. Instead they learn these behaviors in childhood from their families. Specifically, withdrawers were likely raised by caregivers who were unable to be attuned and responsive to their children’s emotional needs. This could be for many reasons and it doesn’t make parents of withdrawers bad!

Humans are not born knowing how to regulate emotions on their own. Babies learn emotion regulation from their caregivers. If a parent is emotionally shut down or dysregulated they are unable to teach their child this process. Unintentionally, the parent therefore leaves the child alone with their emotions which is scary and overwhelming for the child. Children learn to deal with this by shutting their emotions down and distracting themselves just to get by. In adulthood, withdrawers bring these behaviors into their romantic relationship. Unfortunately, when cemented and inflexible in adult romantic relationships, these behaviours can strain the relationship and have the opposite results of what the withdrawer intended.

Supporting Withdrawers in Relationships:

Withdrawers want and need connection with their partner but need to feel safe and secure before being willing to open up and be vulnerable. Their nervous system needs support to be willing to open up and allow them to feel deeply. They need to know that they are not a disappointment to their partner and that they are worthy of their partner’s love and respect. Withdrawers need to know that they are loved for who they are and not just for how well they perform tasks and chores.

If the cycle of pursuer and withdrawer has been spinning around for many years, the withdrawer may need a lot of help to feel safe enough to risk being fully seen, safe and connected with their pursuing partner again.

Levels of Support:

If you are a withdrawer that is struggling, it might be helpful to assess how bad the cycle of disconnection is within your relationship. Doing so will help you better assess what you and your relationship needs moving forward.

Friends will do the Trick:

Does the cycle of disconnection rear its ugly head only now and then but otherwise leave you and your partner well enough alone to enjoy domestic bliss? If this is you, then you will likely be able to find solace in chatting to your partner or friends about what ails your relationship. This will probably be sufficient to provide you with the comfort and clarity you need to get things back on track.

Time to Seek Professional Support:

If however, your cycle leaves you feeling alone or frustrated within your relationship, it might be time to seek professional support. Ask yourself if your attempts to deal with things on your own, or with the support of loved ones, have worked. Are your relationship challenges getting in the way of closeness and intimacy and causing stress that is distracting you in other areas of your life? If so, then it is time to seek support.

If this is you, reaching out to an EFT counsellor, who can understand your needs as a withdrawer, is important in addressing your relationship needs. The biggest mistake couples make is trying to ride out the storm without support. Unfortunately this rarely works. Instead of getting better, the cycle tends to intensify, along with the distress in the relationship. If there is one bit of advice I would stick on a billboard for all couples to see it is this.. Breaking your cycle of disconnection is possible and the faster you seek support, the sooner your relationship can recover.

Separation or Therapy:

Finally, have things gotten so bad that you wonder if it is even possible to address the issues in your relationship? Do you wonder if there is anything left in your relationship to salvage? Instead, are you considering separation? While separation is the answer for some couples, it might also be possible to turn things around. If this is you, it is definitely time to reach out for support, without delay. Reaching out to an EFT trained counsellor can be the last attempt to address relationship issues before making the big decision whether to separate. With the right support, many couples are able to sort through the challenges that have plagued their relationship for years and report feeling closer than they ever have before.

The Role of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT):

Emotionally focused therapy can be a vital step in helping withdrawers to feel enough safety to risk being open and vulnerable with their partner again. EFT is the gold standard therapy for helping partners to reconnect regardless of their attachment style. Research shows that a whopping ninety percent (90%) of couples who undergo EFT therapy experience a significant improvement in their relationship. While 70-75% of couples report no longer experiencing relationship distress after EFT couples therapy. These research results are compared to 35% improvement rates from the next leading couples therapy model.

Conclusion:

EFT therapists are skilled at navigating the needs of withdrawers and creating relationship safety. They do so by slowing the process down and helping withdrawers to explore and put words to their internal experience. Withdrawers are supported to take risks in being open and authentic with their partner again. With the right support it is possible for withdrawers to re engage within their relationship. It is possible to pave the way back to a safe and secure connection.