The dating world is challenging to navigate at the best of times. It’s nerve-wracking and insecurity-provoking. You have to deal with pre-date jitters, somehow focusing on the person sitting in front of you without barfing. It’s not for the faint of heart!
If you do make it through the first date psychologically intact, then it’s a question of finding someone you click with and can be yourself around. This, too, can feel challenging, like finding a needle in a haystack. While physical attraction, shared interests/hobbies, and good banter are all important, I want to focus on qualities that will help you assess ‘good partner material’ long after the honeymoon period is over.
Knowing what to look for in vetting your date is challenging amidst all the chatter on the internet. If you are going through the harrowing quest to find love, then I want to provide guidance informed by attachment theory – that is, the science of love. And who doesn’t want science on their side for, well, everything?!
While the aim of this article is to save you time and heartache, we don’t want to overcorrect and judge others too hastily. After all, your date is likely just as nervous as you are. And who hasn’t put their foot in it when feeling insecure and under pressure?
Luckily, perfection isn’t required in a good partner. What is required is the ability to be emotionally available, engaged, kind, and responsive – these are the ingredients of lasting love. Read more about these ingredients here.
The following seven questions will help you gauge whether your date has what it takes to be a great partner. Being able to answer “yes!” on average to these questions will help you assess whether you have found your needle in the haystack – a good partner with whom you can build a solid and lasting relationship.
7 Questions To Find Lasting Love:
1. Are they a good listener?: Does your date listen intently to what you are saying, or are they distracted by their phones or the TV in the restaurant? The ability to listen intently is a critical quality of a good partner. Finding someone who is good at listening is vital to attunement, secure connection, and conflict resolution. It also just feels really good to be around someone who can truly hear and understand you. This will promote your willingness to be open, authentic, and vulnerable, which are the ingredients to a lifetime of intimacy (both in and out of the bedroom, if I’m not being too subtle).
2. Do they ask follow up questions?: Does your date ask questions, or do they spend the whole time talking about themselves? While it is normal to prattle on or totally clam up when nervous, it’s important that your date expresses their desire to get to know you. Your date’s genuine interest in you can be expressed in many ways, but asking questions is one surefire way to gauge this quality. Being on the receiving end of another person’s engaged presence is a heady and intoxicating experience. It is also an important ingredient for lasting love down the road.
3. Are they a good communicator?: Does your date give you more than one-word answers, or does it feel like you are sitting across from Mr. or Mrs. Grunts-a-lot? Being able to express yourself is an important part of navigating the inevitable ups and downs of a long-term relationship. It also just makes for good company. Again, nervousness can have you stumbling to find the words or clinging, with a death grip, to familiar topics just to fill the scary silence. However, notice whether your date is able to express themselves as the courtship unfolds into something more relaxed and comfortable. If your date isn’t communicating well during these stages of your relationship, it is unlikely they will somehow become a wordsmith once the honeymoon stage is over.
4. Do they respect boundaries?: Is your date willing to respect the boundaries that you set out during the date? This could be anything from showing up on time to respecting your limits around body contact or sex. Respecting your boundaries is vital for a healthy long-term partnership because it establishes safety. True intimacy requires safety because it encourages your willingness to be open and authentic, which enables someone to truly see and know you. And to be fully seen, loved, and accepted is what we are all looking for.
5. Do they respond well to your questions about dating expectations?: Does your date answer questions about their expectations for dating openly and honestly, or do they become defensive and skittish? Willingness to discuss expectations openly is a sign of maturity, honesty, and respect. The ability and willingness to do so are indicators of great partner material. How a person answers these questions will give you a glimpse at how they will navigate challenging conversations moving forward. These conversations are inevitable in any long-term relationship, making openness, honesty, and respect vitally important for happy couples at any stage of their relationship.
6. Do they treat the wait staff with kindness?: One of the best indicators of a person’s nature is how they treat people they don’t need to be kind to. It is therefore telling to watch how your date treats the wait staff. This will closely approximate how they will treat you, your friends, and/or family once they are no longer trying to make a good impression. It will give you important information about how they will interact with you when conflict and challenges arise. So, if they are rude to staff members, no matter how good-looking or interesting the person is, it’s probably best to pass them up and keep searching for love. Nice is the new sexy in long-term relationships. Just trust me on this one!
7. Do they talk about their ex respectfully?: Most everyone has a dating history. Some past relationships end amicably, while others not so much. Regardless of whether your date’s past relationship ended in a fiery wreck or not, how they talk about their ex can be telling. Do they speak negatively about their ex by calling them ‘crazy’ or other derogatory names? This can be an indicator that they are not adept at taking accountability for their actions within relationships. It might also hint at their inability or unwillingness to self-reflect. Accountability and self-reflection are important qualities that enable a person to navigate relationships and conflict successfully. They also ensure that a person continues to grow and evolve as an individual and as a partner. If your future partner lacks these qualities, you will likely find yourself caught in a cycle of conflict that undermines your confidence and leaves you feeling frustrated.
SOS Dating Support:
If you struggle to find love that lasts or feels good, then do not lose hope. We are a social species, which means we are all built for connection. That means you too – I promise! As an EFT-trained therapist, I specialise in assisting individuals and couples in overcoming obstacles to fulfilling relationships. I can help you unpack your history with intimate relationships, heal past wounds, and change limiting personal beliefs or behavioural patterns. My expertise lies in removing barriers to love and fostering relationships that stand the test of time.
Conclusion:
Whether you find yourself single or navigating a relationship that lacks connection or satisfaction, I’m here to support you as you embark on your journey toward enduring love. The quest for a compatible partner with whom you can cultivate a profound and resilient bond might appear daunting, yet it’s entirely within reach with the right support. Working with an EFT therapist can provide you with invaluable insights into your relationship dynamics and move you toward a more enriching love life. If you’re eager to break free from past challenges and embrace the prospect of enduring love, don’t hesitate to reach out. Take that pivotal first step toward a happier, more fulfilling connection without delay.
