Understanding Pursuers: A Guide to Emotional Intimacy

Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) is based on the robust research of Attachment theory. This theory was developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainswoth to explain how children form bonds with their caregivers. It was later applied to adult love relationships by Dr. Sue Johnson, and others. Understanding attachment science shouldn’t just be of interest to nerdy psychologists in ill fitting lab coats. It should interest us all. Understanding attachment styles, particularly the pursuer, is crucial for fostering healthy romantic relationships. And who doesn’t want that?

Science of Love:

The field of attachment science is vast but at its core, it’s the science of love. How we form loving bonds with the people who matter most to us. There are three ways we form attachments with others: anxious, avoidant, or disorganised. Attachment theory also informs how we move to protect ourselves when our loved one feels out of reach – withdraw or pursue.

At different times and in different relationships we can exhibit different strategies. Some relationships can elicit more anxious/avoidant or pursuer/withdrawer tendencies within us. However, in general, we tend to lean toward one style within our romantic relationship. Recognizing these patterns within ourselves is vital for understanding our relationship dynamics. And it supports your ability to create healthy and lasting love.

Opposites Attract:

80% of adult monogamous relationships consist of one pursuer and one withdrawer. Below we will look at how a pursuer operates within a relationship with a withdrawing partner.

Pursuer attachment style:

Pursuers likely have anxious attachment and experience emotional distance and disconnection as distressing. They respond to the threat of disconnection by moving toward their loved one in an attempt to understand and resolve relationship issues. In a healthy relationship pursuers are vital to lasting love. They ensure that the couple come together to address issues so they don’t snowball into bigger problems. Thanks for keeping us on track, pursuers!

Emotional Regulation Challenges:

Pursuers are generally more emotionally intense than their withdrawing counterparts. They are also more sensitive to rejection and are quick to notice and react when their partner does not respond. In such instances, pursuers become freaked out and attempt to get the relationship back on track.

They do so by pushing for more conversations around the issues in the relationship and urging their partner to open up and share more intimately. Alternatively, pursuers can seek reassurance that their partner cares through requests for sex, or physical touch. If any advances to connect are turned down by their partner, pursuers experience this as a painful rejection. Which are accompanied by a deep sense of unworthiness and shame.

As the pursuer works harder and harder to connect to their partner, their protest behaviours can become more extreme. Pursuers can begin to instruct their partner on how to be better, do better and even how to say things ‘better’. Blaming can escalate to anger and threats.

The Loneliness of Unmet Needs:

A pursuers’ need for reassurance, closeness and connection may leave them feeling alone and lonely within their relationship. They feel like they are the only ones to see the threat and are working tirelessly to bail water out of a sinking ship. Understandably, they may struggle with feelings of resentment. They often believe that their partner does not care enough to help them or engage around important issues.

Beware, the Burnt Out Pursuer:

Pursuers can often feel like there is nothing they haven’t tried to get their partners attention. A strike of inspiration will cause a pursuer to abandon their previous strategies for a completely different approach just to see if maybe, this time, they will be successful in bringing their partner closer.

You might be feeling tired just reading about the experience of a pursuer! Now imagine living this experience. With all this work, it is easy to imagine that pursuers can become burnt out over time as they grow tired of reaching for connection without success. A burnt out pursuer will abandon their attempts to bring their partner close. This may signal to their withdrawer partner that things have gotten better but this couldn’t be further from the truth. It is when a pursuer is burnt out that the relationship is in real danger.

Pursuer Strategies:

• Pushing
• Criticising
• Angry
• Blaming
• Threatening
• Demanding
• Instructing
• Nagging

If these strategies seem familiar you might just be a pursuer. Don’t worry, you are in fine company if you are. Ask yourself what has you feeling threatened within your relationship? If the answer is emotional distance and disconnection, then you are likely a pursuer. What helps you to calm down after being triggered? If you answered, resolution of the issue or feeling closer to my partner again, then you are DEFINITELY a pursuer.

Origins of a Pursuer:

You might be wondering how you ended up as a pursuer. Pursuers are not born this way. These behaviours develop as a result of being raised in a household where caregivers were inconsistently emotionally available. In order to get their caregivers’ attention, children learn to develop protest behaviours. These behaviours likely worked to get their caregivers attention, giving the child the love and care they needed. Many times these strategies for seeking care and connection follow a person throughout development and into adult romantic relationships. Unfortunately, when cemented and inflexible, these behaviours can strain relationships and have the opposite of the intended results.

Supporting Pursuers within Relationships:

It is very hard for the pursuer to break the cycle of disconnection within their relationship on their own. They have already employed every creative solution or strategy they can think of. Instead, they need help to slow things down and prevent their protective strategies from taking over. A pursuer needs to know that they are loved and safe with their partner to support them with their fear of disconnection. They need to know that their needs and emotions are not too much and that they can get the love they yearn for.

Levels of Support:

If you are a pursuer that is struggling, it might be helpful to assess how bad the cycle of disconnection is within your relationship. Doing so will help you better assess what you and your relationship needs moving forward.

Friends will do the Trick:

Does the cycle of disconnection rear its ugly head only now and then but otherwise leave you and your partner well enough alone to enjoy domestic bliss? If this is you, then you will likely be able to find solace in chatting to your partner or friends about what ails your relationship. This will probably be sufficient to provide you with the comfort and clarity you need to get things back on track.

Time to Seek Professional Support:

If however, your cycle leaves you feeling alone or frustrated within your relationship, it might be time to seek professional support. Ask yourself if your attempts to deal with things on your own, or with the support of loved ones, have worked. Finally, if you are concerned that your relationship challenges are getting in the way of closeness and intimacy and causing stress that is distracting you in other areas of your life, then it is time to seek support.

If this is you, it is time to reach out to an EFT counsellor who can understand your needs as a pursuer and support you to reestablish the relationship that you desire. The biggest mistake couples make is deciding to ride out the storm. Unfortunately this rarely works. Instead what happens is the cycle of disconnection becomes more extreme, along with the distress in the relationship. If there is one bit of advice I would like couples to hear, it is that it is wise to address these issues before they snowball and take over more and more of your relationship and life.

Separation or Therapy:

Finally, have things gotten so bad that you wonder if it is even possible to address the issues in your relationship? Do you wonder if there is anything left in your relationship to salvage? Instead, are you considering separation? While separation is the answer for some couples, it might also be possible to turn things around. If this is you, it is definitely time to reach out for support, without delay. Reaching out to an EFT trained counsellor can be the last attempt to address relationship issues before making the big decision to separate. With the right support, many couples are able to sort through the challenges that have plagued their relationship for years and report feeling closer than they ever have before.

The Role of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT):

Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) is an integral step in helping pursuers get the love and reassurance they need within their relationship. EFT is the gold standard for helping partners to reconnect regardless of their attachment style. Research shows that a whopping ninety percent (90%) of couples who undergo EFT therapy experience a significant improvement in their relationship. While 70-75% of couples report no longer experiencing relationship distress after EFT couples therapy. These research results are compared to 35% improvement rates from the next leading couples therapy model.

Conclusion:

Emotionally focused therapy helps couples to slow down, creating enough safety for the pursuer to risk reaching for their partner in new, more vulnerable ways that work to draw their partner closer. A skilled EFT counsellor can help pursuers and their partner to join as a team to create the safety they need to thrive as a couple.

Pursuers can learn to move past their protective strategies, so they can finally reach their partner. With the right support it is possible to pave the way back to a safe and secure connection. The relationship you desire is possible! We look forward to connecting with you soon.