Volume 1; Issue 1
Hey everyone. Welcome to my first-ever monthly newsletter!
Every 90 days I’ll explore a theme and release 3 newsletters (1 per month) to dissect the topic in detail. We’ll be exploring all things mental health related, often through an Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) lens.
I’m doing this because I believe in creating an informative and supportive space that provides tools for connection, healing and growth; not only for my clients, but for anybody who’s interested.
A newsletter is a good way to accomplish that.
Let’s start by exploring shame.
First, we’ll look at defining shame, before moving onto understanding the role of shame in relationships (November) and finally, dealing with shame (December) to create a more peaceful, emotionally-healthy life.
Thanks in advance for reading! And please share it with your network if you haven’t already to help spread the word.
Have you ever felt like you’re not good enough? Or that you’ve made a terrible mistake that you keep replaying over and over again in your mind?
Shame is one of the most painful, debilitating and counterproductive emotions there are. It’s a common, sneaky emotion that often operates behind the scenes, making it hard to notice when it’s impacting your life and relationships.
In this newsletter I will help you to identify shame — recognizing shame is the first step in being able to deal with it and heal it.
Let’s begin!
Shame is a powerful emotion that can sometimes be confused for guilt. While similar, these two emotions differ in important ways. Let me explain the difference.
Guilt says, “I made a mistake,” whereas shame says, “I am a mistake.”
Notice how much difference one word can make? The reality is that while shame and guilt are both painful, they are two distinctly different emotional responses.
Shame attacks our self-worth, while guilt focuses on our actions. Guilt is a pro social emotion that encourages us to reflect on our actions, to make things right and repair our relationships.
Shame, on the other hand, hinders healthy relationships and social engagement. It focuses us inward on our perceived flaws, and makes us hide parts of ourselves from others (and even from ourselves). This prevents us from taking ownership over our actions and steps to repair relationships.
Shame goes beyond feeling embarrassed. It’s a deep-seated belief that we’re not good enough or that there’s something fundamentally wrong with us. Ouch!
When shame hits it is so painful that we might withdraw from others, isolate ourselves, or get defensive and angry just to try and cope.
EFT helps you break free from the grip of shame by helping you to first recognize, then understand and heal the root causes of this painful and complex emotion. For example, there’s four important things you should know about shame:
- Shame is a defence mechanism.
Shame often comes about as a way to protect ourselves from feeling unworthy, vulnerable or rejected within our important relationships.
By understanding this, we can see shame for what it is and address those underlying fears, interpersonal wounds, and resulting insecurities.
- Shame is often hidden.
We may not even realise how much shame is affecting our lives. In fact, shame is so painful that we sometimes unconsciously bury it under other emotions, like anger, to keep from experiencing it directly.
Behavioural strategies, such as perfectionism, perform the same protective function. However, even when we are not aware of its presence, shame still takes a toll.
EFT can help us become more aware that shame is present for us and help us understand the role that it plays in our behaviours.
- Shame can be self-perpetuating.
All emotions have action tendencies. Shame tells us to hide. It says “you can’t share this part of yourself with others or they won’t love and accept you”. When we hide parts of ourselves shame has full reign and tends to grow.
EFT offers a safe and supportive space where you don’t have to hide or face shame alone. Together with your counsellor you can risk testing the messages that shame gives you against reality. It also provides you with the antidote to the root causes of shame. Spoiler alert: it’s connection, acceptance, and love. But more on that in December.
- Shame can be healed.
It’s 100% possible to overcome shame and while that’s great, everyone’s path to healing looks different. EFT offers a supportive space to understand and heal your emotions within the safe and secure therapeutic relationship.
You’ll be able to better identify and express your emotions about shame and heal. This opens the path for authentic and secure connections with others.
So, where does shame come from?
Dr. Rebecca Jorgensen says that shame is a form of pain that comes from social rejection or abandonment. Repeat experiences of shame can have us convinced that we’re unlovable or unworthy, essentially digging a hole that can be tough to get out of. Often these experiences happened in childhood but shame clings to us through time to protect us from ever being rejected again.
Shame is never a cheerleader with anything kind or supportive to say. Instead it says something is inherently wrong or inadequate with me at the core. Shame says I am flawed and because I am flawed, no one will ever really love me, no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try. In short, shame is a jerk!
- On the outside, shame often looks like: Anger, defensiveness, being withdrawn, perfectionism, need to prove yourself, acting condescending towards others, or needing reassurance.
- On the inside, shame feels like: Darkness, sadness, pain, isolation, and feeling not worthy or deserving, fearful and lonely.
Shame can be a sticky, powerful, and debilitating emotion. But with the help of EFT, you can break free from its grip and get on with your life.
If you want to talk more about shame, follow the button below. Every discovery session is free and it’s a great way for me to get an idea of what you’re looking for. Otherwise, I’ll be back next month with more information on how shame impacts relationships.
