The Three Ingredients of Lasting Love

Love as a fixation and mystery

To be human is to yearn for love and belonging. And nearly everyone wants love and belonging in the form of a lasting romantic relationship. This desire is splashed across every surface of our Western society. It’s on billboards, in books, songs, and ads. It’s nearly impossible to consume tv or movies without coming across our fixation with sex, love, and relationships.

Finding love can be challenging for many. But once you meet that special person, falling in love is easy. It’s a heady, selfless, giddy, and effortless process. Keeping that love, on the other hand, is hard. And the ‘how’ of keeping a love vibrant, and thriving has been a riddle that has sadly stumped countless couples.

There are, however, couples who experience enduring love. There are even couples whose love has gotten deeper and stronger as the years rolled by. You know those couples who have been together for years but still get that sparkle in their eye when they talk to or about their partner? Yes, those sickening couples who want to spend all of their time together and are best friends? If you are rolling your eyes and thinking “yeah right” you are not alone.

The question of how to find and keep this kind of love has been a timeless occupation for our species. But a concrete and dependable answers have evaded many hopeful hearts. Sadly, the rates of divorce have skyrocketed and the fear of failed relationships has frightened many away from attempting commitment.

Enough with guesswork, to the lab we go!

Until recently the answer to this burning question has remained elusive. Success in love has been chalked up to luck. Until now! Researchers decided to take love and stick it in a lab to be scrutinized and studied. Sounds romantic, doesn’t it.

One such researcher is Dr. Sue Johnson, the developer of EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy). After decades of research studying couples, Dr. Johnson found that the key element to long term relationship success is emotional responsiveness. That sounds a lot less sexy than advice about having date nights, keeping it novel in the bedroom, or lingerie. But, all the same, emotional responsiveness consistently showed up as the secret sauce to lasting love.

Using this knowledge she developed a therapeutic approach that guides and supports clients to cultivate emotional responsiveness within their romantic relationship even when they are struggling. These EFT principles can be used to enhance love and connection within relationships so they can thrive. She captures this central element of emotional responsiveness with the acronym A.R.E. Using Dr. Sue Johnson’s EFT principles can be an important and powerful step in helping couples enhance and keep the love they desire.

But what, pray tell, is A.R.E?

I’m so glad you asked. A.R.E stands for accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement. These are rooted not only in research on couples but on the vast body of research on attachment science. This research outlines how vital love and belonging are to our survival. It studies the neurological and bodily reactions that occur when love is safe. It also chronicles the changes that occur when people feel their relationship is on the rocks. Below are the details of each of these vital qualities that safeguard and enhance love.

A = Accessibility

Accessibility gauges the burning question “if I need you and I reach for you, will you be there for me?”. Happy couples know deep in their bones that if needed, their partner will come to them. Just like Wesly from the Princess Bride, accessibility is saying “I will always come for you”. If you don’t get that reference don’t worry. It just means that you are probably younger and most definitely cooler than me.

Basically all you need to know is that as a social species, humans are biologically primed to turn to others in times of need. Knowing that your partner is accessible helps to tame the primal fear about being alone, and thus vulnerable, in the world. Just like Princess Buttercup, you too will be soothed knowing that your Wesly will always come for you. Apologies again for the dorky reference, but it can’t be helped.

R = Responsive

Responsiveness is knowing that you can rely on your partner to engage with you and your emotions in both good and bad times. That they support you with your challenges and are willing and able to celebrate your successes. It is knowing that you can pour your heart out to your partner and get back more than a blank and vacant stare in return.

Emotional responsiveness is important because it calms the nervous system enough to allow us to risk the vulnerability of connecting deeply. And vulnerability = intimacy. It is this deep connection that forms the foundation of a loving and lasting romantic relationship. We are unlikely to risk bearing the deepest and most important part of ourselves if we think that our partner will leave our vulnerability hanging in the wind. Without this kind of authentic sharing, your relationship can start to feel like a roommate situation instead of an intimate partnership.

E – Engagement

Engagement produces that amazing feeling that your partner values and respects you, is attracted to you and wants to be close to you. The knowledge that they like you and want to hear what you say. Trust that when you talk, they will put their phone down and hang on your every word. Engagement gives you the heady feeling of being special to another person.

Just like accessibility and responsiveness, engagement produces another calming cue to your nervous system, that you are special and thus safe and secure in the world. In a loving relationship in which your partner is engaged, you feel prized and able to let your guard down, rest and relax into being fully seen. This produces intimacy that leads to lasting love.

Love without A.R.E

Without these ingredients, we have a problem Huston! There will likely be insecurity, hurt, and conflict within a relationship. Dr. Sue Johnson described how central to our well being A.R.E is in our romantic relationship.

“Isolation and the potential loss of loving connection is coded by the brain into primal panic response. The need for safe emotional connection to a few loved ones is wired in by millions of years of evolution. Distressed partners may use different words but they are always asking the same basic questions: “Are you there for me? Do I matter to you? Will you come when I need you, when I call?” Love is the best survival mechanism there is, and to feel suddenly cut off from a partner, disconnected, is terrifying…. This longing for emotional connection with those nearest and dearest to us is the emotional priority, overshadowing even the drive for food or sex.”

If you are reading this blog, you might be struggling within your relationship. You are not alone! Sometimes we struggle being A.R.E with our loved one. And this isn’t anyone’s fault! We learn these skills from our parents or caregivers. If A.R.E behavior wasn’t modeled to us in childhood we might not know how to show up within our romantic relationship. This is especially true if we are under stress. When under stress, many of us move to protect ourselves. And these protective moves often prevent our ability to be A.R.E with our loved one.

Assessing levels of A.R.E in your relationship.

Given the importance of A.R.E to the health of romantic relationships, you may be wondering “how much of these magical ingredients do I have in my relationship?”. If you are feeling disconnected, lonely or hurt in your relationship, assessing for A.R.E, can be a helpful tool for putting your finger on the source of these feelings. The following questions are modified from the Hold Me Close course for couples developed by Dr. Sue Johnson.

Assessing accessibility

You can assess if your partner is accessible by answering the following questions: Can I get my partners attention easily? Does my partner show me that I come first? Can I share my feelings with them and know that they will listen? If you are able to answer yes to all of these questions then your partner is accessible.

Assessing Responsiveness

To assess if your partner is responsive, answer the following questions: Will my partner be there for me if I need comfort or connection? Is my partner aware of and responsive to my signals for closeness or when I need space? Can I lean on my partner when I am feeling vulnerable? If you are able to answer yes to these questions, your partner is responsive.

Assessing Engagement

To assess if your partner is engaged, answer the following questions: Do I feel comfortable to be close and trust my partner? Do I feel comfortable confiding in my partner? Do I feel that my partner cares deeply about my fears, hurts and joys?

It’s clarifying to think about how your partner is showing up for you. It can help pinpoint and put words to why you are feeling disconnected or frustrated in your relationship. You might also be wondering if your behaviour toward your partner is A.R.E. Take a minute to consider each of these qualities and how they may show up in your behaviour toward your partner, or not.

Interesting Morgan… but Now What?

If you answered no to some of these questions don’t panic! I repeat, do NOT panic. This is common and you are not alone. With a little help, you and your partner can learn how to develop and apply A.R.E within your relationship, even when it is under stress. This is the core of the work I do with couples using Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples.

Emotionally Focused Therapy is the gold standard in couples counselling and the best approach for helping you to enhance and safeguard your love relationship. Research shows that a whopping ninety percent (90%) of couples who undergo EFT therapy experience a significant improvement in their relationship. While 70-75% of couples report no longer experiencing relationship distress after EFT couples therapy. These research results are compared to 35% improvement rates from the next leading couples therapy model.

Together, we will explore the burning question “A.R.E you there for me? And help couples find their way back to a secure place where they feel their partner is deeply accessible, responsive and engaged. This is the path back to connection. Back to each other and to the lasting love you desire. Let’s connect!