Forgiveness is one of the most significant, yet challenging, steps when it comes to healing from the pain of an affair. As an Emotionally Focused Therapist (EFT), I’ve witnessed how forgiveness serves as a bridge to take you from hurt to healing.

But before we get into it, it’s important to note that forgiveness isn’t mandatory—it’s a personal choice that the betrayed partner gets to decide for themselves. Some people find that forgiving allows them to rebuild their sense of self, but others may have legitimate reasons (repeated betrayals, unresolved resentment, etc.) why forgiveness might not make sense.

With that in mind, it’s important to understand that forgiveness is not a simple decision or a quick fix—it’s a deliberate, ongoing process that paves the way for rebuilding trust, deepening emotional bonds, and ultimately creating a secure relationship.

In the wake of an affair, true healing doesn’t happen because time passes or because someone says “I forgive you.” Instead, forgiveness must be earned through intentional acts of empathy, accountability, and repair.

There are four different paths to forgiveness: 

  • Cheap forgiveness: Quick, unearned forgiveness offered without a full emotional process or real accountability from the betrayer.
  • Refusing to forgive: When the partner who was betrayed holds on to anger or chooses not to forgive, especially when they feel their betraying partner hasn’t earned it.
  • Acceptance: When the partner who betrayed is unavailable, unwilling, or incapable of making amends. 
  • Earned forgiveness: The ideal, but most emotionally demanding path. It’s only possible when both partners engage in repair with emotional honesty, humility, and courage.

For the sake of following the ideal path, we’ll focus on genuine earned forgiveness in this issue before we dive deeper into the topic next month.

The Nature of Forgiveness After Betrayal

Forgiveness, particularly after an act of betrayal, is a uniquely personal process. But the key principle in this journey is knowing that the betrayed partner sets the pace for forgiveness. While both partners must contribute to healing, the wounded heart determines if, when and how forgiveness can begin to take root. For the betrayed, forgiveness is not about forgetting or condoning the hurtful behavior; it’s about reclaiming one’s power and choosing to let go of the emotional burden that the betrayal carries.

Drawing upon the work of Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring, we understand that forgiveness is an intimate, individualized process. Spring’s research emphasizes that therapy and personal introspection play critical roles in releasing resentment and redefining one’s sense of self after betrayal. In this light, forgiveness becomes less about absolution granted to the offending partner and more about the internal healing of the wounded party. When the betrayed partner feels safe enough to lower their defenses, it becomes possible to begin the slow process of rebuilding the emotional connection.

The Power of Mutual Effort

While the betrayed partner sets the pace, the responsibility for fostering an environment where forgiveness can occur lies with both parties. The partner who betrayed must not only demonstrate heartfelt remorse but also commit fully to the work of healing. This involves consistent accountability, transparent communication, and a willingness to transform old patterns that contributed to the betrayal. Without sustained effort from both sides, couples may inadvertently fall back into cycles of dysfunction, where unresolved anger and mistrust continuously undermine progress.

Dr. Sue Johnson, the pioneer of Emotionally Focused Therapy, teaches us that secure attachment is built on vulnerability, responsiveness, and emotional safety. When the betrayer genuinely invests in repairing the relationship, they contribute to creating a climate where the betrayed partner can eventually feel secure enough to reconnect. As the betrayer becomes increasingly attuned to their partner’s needs and demonstrates reliable, trustworthy behavior over time, the betrayed partner discovers that the relationship can once again be a source of comfort and strength, rather than fear.

How to Create an Environment of Earned Forgiveness

Creating an environment of earned forgiveness is an ideal scenario that hinges on the active participation of both partners. It’s not an overnight fix, but rather a dedicated, step-by-step process that, over time, opens the door to renewed trust and intimacy. 

When the betrayed partner sees the consistent, heartfelt efforts of their partner, they can begin to let go of bitterness and allow space for healing. As this process unfolds, forgiveness transforms into a mutual, collaborative journey, where both individuals are not only reclaiming their personal identities but are also redefining the essence of their relationship. 

These are a few strategies you can try to foster such an atmosphere:

Establish open communication: Both partners must create a space where honest, non-judgmental and non-defensive dialogue is encouraged. This means listening deeply to each other’s pain, vulnerabilities, and needs. Effective communication helps transform reactive conflict into thoughtful conversations that pave the way for understanding. it is important at the start of this journey to give the betrayed partner more space to be heard around their pain than for the betraying partner to explain away their actions 

Prioritize Emotional Safety: The betrayed partner needs to feel safe to express the full spectrum of their emotions. The betrayer can foster this safety by being fully present, responsive, and empathetic during conversations. This safe space is critical for allowing the betrayed partner to lower their guard and begin the healing process.

Consistency in Actions: Forgiveness is built on trust, and trust is restored through consistent, trustworthy behavior. The betrayer must demonstrate over time that they are committed to change through all actions, from small everyday gestures to significant, systemic changes in how the relationship is managed.

Accountability and Responsibility: Both partners should engage in self-reflection to understand their personal contributions to the dynamics of the relationship. The betrayer must acknowledge the full impact of their actions and actively seek to prevent any recurrence, while the betrayed partner must allow themselves the space to release the burden of perpetual blame, with professional support if needed.

Structured Reflection and Therapy: Incorporating regular check-ins in a structured therapeutic setting can provide both partners with guidance and support as they navigate their emotions. Emotionally Focused Therapy places a strong emphasis on repairing attachment injuries through guided conversations and reflective exercises that facilitate a deeper connection.

Reaffirming the Value of the Bond: Both partners should commit to reaffirming the positive aspects of their relationship. Celebrating small wins and recognizing moments of genuine connection can help rebuild a foundation of trust and mutual respect. This process not only honors the resilience of the relationship but also solidifies the couple’s commitment to a shared future.

Moving Forward with Compassion

Forgiveness is a demanding, often non-linear path that requires both patience and courage. It calls for an honest examination of the past, a commitment to change in the present, and a hopeful aspiration for the future. Genuine, enduring forgiveness arises when both partners are willing to engage in introspection, open-hearted dialogue, and continuous, respectful engagement.

While healing after an affair can feel like traversing an endless wilderness of emotions, remember that forgiveness—when achieved—is not about erasing the past but about creating a future in which both partners grow stronger together. It is a process that ultimately allows each person to emerge with a deeper understanding of themselves and a more secure, compassionate bond with their partner.

If you or someone you know is grappling with the challenges of forgiveness after an affair, you’re welcome to join me in a free couples consultation. Together, we can work on creating an environment where forgiveness is earned, trust is rebuilt, and both partners can embark upon a path toward lasting healing and renewed connection.

Warmly, Morgan Beatty, CCC, EFCT, EFIT