Volume 2; Issue 3
Welcome back to our series, “Let’s Talk About Affairs.” If you’re new around here, I’m Morgan Beatty, your Emotionally Focused Therapist, and today, we’re focusing on the essential work of recovering from an affair. This journey—though deeply challenging—can lead to profound healing, growth, and the possibility of a stronger bond between partners.
Recovering from an affair requires intention, patience, and an understanding of the unique dynamics at play for both partners: the one who was betrayed and the one who betrayed. In this edition, we will explore the difference between an attachment injury and an attachment wound, the necessity of addressing anger, and the importance of identifying and breaking the cycle that led to the affair.
Depth of the Hurt: Attachment Wounds vs. Attachment Injuries
In the context of recovering from affairs, not all betrayals are experienced equally. Emotional attachment is at the heart of every relationship, and an affair impacts this connection in two fundamentally different ways.
An attachment wound is a betrayal or breach of trust that, while painful, takes less time to repair than an attachment injury (more on this below). It happens when a partner feels momentarily abandoned or let down, but the overall emotional bond between the couple remains somewhat intact. For instance, a partner may view the affair as an isolated mistake—deeply hurtful, shaking their safety, security and identity, yet not sufficient to break down the couple’s attempts to reconnect and heal together. Through consistent effort, empathy, and reassurance, trust in these cases can often be rebuilt more quickly.
In contrast, an attachment injury runs much deeper. It represents a fundamental rupture in the emotional bond, shaking the betrayed partner’s sense of safety, security, and identity within the relationship sufficiently that they close off their heart to their partner to protect themselves from further hurt. Attempts to reconnect and heal are abandoned. The impact is so profound that it alters their perception of reality. Rebuilding trust here takes significantly more time and requires intensive emotional work by both partners.
In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), understanding the nature of the betrayal—whether it’s a wound or an injury—guides the recovery process. It helps both partners recognize the depth of the pain and shapes the path to healing. For the betrayer, this means committing to genuine accountability, attuned emotional presence, and consistent actions that demonstrate trustworthiness. For the betrayed, it involves acknowledging their emotions, grieving the loss of security, and rebuilding their sense of safety, step by step.
Resolving Anger Before Moving Forward
Anger is an unavoidable part of the aftermath of an affair—an emotion that stems from betrayal, injustice, and a loss of control. For the betrayed partner, it may feel all-consuming, and for the betrayer, it may feel like an insurmountable barrier to moving forward.
However, holding onto unresolved anger can halt progress. Anger often functions as a protective shield, masking deeper vulnerabilities such as fear, sadness, or feelings of inadequacy. These underlying emotions must be acknowledged in order to truly move forward.
EFT focuses on creating a safe space for both partners to confront and express anger. For the betrayed partner, this means finding the courage to articulate the anger and underlying pain, expressing their unmet needs, and sharing the depth of their hurt in a constructive way. For the betrayer, it involves receiving this anger without defensiveness, demonstrating empathy, and taking ownership of their actions. Importantly, this process also entails differentiating between healthy expressions of anger and destructive patterns, ensuring that anger becomes a stepping stone to healing rather than a barrier.
Once anger is processed, both partners can begin rebuilding emotional intimacy. This means replacing cycles of blame with cycles of reassurance, transforming moments of conflict into opportunities for connection and understanding.
Understanding the Cycle to Break It
Understanding the cycle is not just about preventing future betrayals—it’s also about recreating safety within the relationship. Safety is foundational for trust, and for the betrayed partner, feeling secure again requires consistent, proactive effort from the betrayer. The betrayer must take the lead in recognizing and addressing early warning signs of old patterns or dynamics that could reignite disconnection.
This might involve paying attention to emotional distancing, unmet needs, or breakdowns in communication before they escalate. By demonstrating vigilance and accountability, the betrayer sends a clear message: “I am committed to protecting our relationship and rebuilding what was broken.” As this effort becomes consistent and visible, the betrayed partner can begin to let down their guard, relaxing back into trusting their partner and the relationship as a safe, reliable emotional bond. This dynamic fosters mutual reassurance and is essential to creating a stronger, healthier foundation moving forward.
Affairs rarely occur in isolation; they are often symptoms of deeper relational or personal struggles. For example, unmet emotional needs, a lack of communication, or feelings of inadequacy can lead one partner to seek validation or connection outside the relationship. However, it’s essential to clarify that understanding the cycle is not about justifying or excusing the affair—it’s about addressing the root causes to prevent it from happening again.
In EFT, this involves identifying the negative patterns that may have been present in the relationship prior to the affair. What emotional needs were unspoken or unmet? How did the couple handle (or avoid) conflict? Were there feelings of disconnection, resentment, or loneliness that were left unaddressed? Both partners play an essential role in exploring these questions and co-creating a new cycle of connection and understanding.
The betrayer must also engage in self-reflection, asking themselves what internal struggles contributed to their choices. Was the affair an attempt to regain a sense of power, bolster self-esteem, escape personal insecurities, or seek excitement that was missing in their life? By answering these questions honestly, they can begin addressing their own vulnerabilities and commit to personal growth.
Breaking the cycle also means taking measures to protect the relationship moving forward. This includes establishing clear boundaries, improving communication, and regularly checking in on each other’s emotional needs. Recovery is not just about repairing the past—it’s about safeguarding the future.
The Path to Healing: A Shared Journey
Recovery from an affair is undeniably difficult, but it is possible—with time, patience, and a shared commitment to healing. Both partners must acknowledge their pain, take responsibility for their roles, and embrace the vulnerability required to rebuild trust and intimacy.
For the betrayed partner, this means finding the courage to open their heart again, even in the face of fear and uncertainty. For the betrayer, it means consistently showing up—not just with words, but with actions that demonstrate accountability, empathy, and love.
In EFT, the goal is not only to heal the wounds caused by the affair but also to create a relationship that feels stronger, more secure, and more connected than before. This journey may take time, but with compassion and guidance, it can lead to a renewed sense of hope and belonging.
If you or someone you know is navigating the recovery process after an affair, I’m here to help. I offer a free couples consultation to help you take the first step towards healing and reconnection. Together, we can build a relationship that feels safe, fulfilling, and resilient.
Warmly, Morgan Beatty, CCC, EFCT, EFIT
