Volume 2; Issue 2
A lot of people think they understand affairs. That is, at least, a textbook definition of the word. It’s not until you directly or indirectly experience infidelity that you can begin to understand the hurt and far reaching impact.
I think this topic is worth exploring in depth, which is why I shared an overview of affairs from the perspective of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) in my January newsletter. Now, I think it’s critically important to further understand the impact that affairs can have in romantic relationships.
Impact on the partner who strayed
People often feel isolated after having an affair because of the shame associated with straying. Those feelings often stem from guilt and the fear of judgment from friends, family, or society in general. They also stem from self-recrimination as the person attempts to come to terms with a conflict between their behaviour and values.
There’s also immense fear of the consequences that follow an affair. For example, the potential of losing their partner or the person they had an affair with. In marriage, this could also lead to divorce, financial instability, and the emotional trauma that comes with separating a family, especially when children are involved. It can take a huge toll on a person, naturally causing them to retreat. They may withdraw from social connections, believing other people couldn’t empathize with or understand their situation.
Impact on the betrayed partner
Similarly, the betrayed partner may feel isolated and confused when choosing whether or not to stay in the relationship. They might struggle with feelings of shame, embarrassment, or fear that others will not understand their decision to stay in the relationship. They might think others will see them as weak, a “push over,” or lacking self respect. They may fear walking away from their partner and giving up on their shared history or the family they have built. Feelings of betrayal, anger, disbelief, shame, and immense grief are just some of the many emotions a betrayed partner will experience upon learning about their partner’s infidelity.
Impact on the couple
This perfect storm creates an environment where the couple may remain together yet both feel totally disconnected from each other, their peers, and even themselves. Without support and guidance, the couple attempts to deal with the devastating cascade of losses that follow an affair. The impact of which could manifest itself as post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) for the betrayed partner.
Impact on love
In the West we have lofty aspirations around romantic love. When we marry, the expectation is that our partner becomes our best friend, confidant, lover, co-parent, emotional companion, and intellectual equal. We feel chosen—the one who is special, unique, indispensable, and irreplaceable.
However, infidelity tells us that we are not all these things. It’s traumatic because it causes a crisis of identity and belonging. It threatens our sense of self, our understanding of the other person, and our belief in the justice and order of the world. As well-regarded psychotherapist Esther Perel said, “Infidelity shatters the grand ambition of love.”
Losses following infidelity
What comes next is a long road to healing pain and rebuilding trust. Psychologist Janis Abrahms Spring’s “After an Affair” is an excellent resource on this. The book outlines what both parties stand to lose following the act of infidelity.
For example, the betrayed partner may feel like they no longer have a sense of:
- Trust: “How can I ever trust you or my own judgment again?”
- Identity: “I no longer know who I am.”
- Special or uniqueness: “I thought I meant something to you, but now I realize I’m disposable.”
- Self respect: “I’ll do anything to keep this relationship together even if it means forfeiting my values.”
- Control over mind and body: “How do I turn my head off? How do I stop myself with obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviours?”
- Sense of order and justice: “The world no longer makes sense.”
- Faith: “Why has god forsaken me?”
- Connection: “Who can I confide in? Who’s there for me?”
- Purpose: “I don’t know what to do now.”
Moreover, the partner who betrayed trust in the monogamous relationship may be experiencing:
- A personality crisis: “I feel lost and unsure of who I am anymore.”
- Guilt and remorse: “I can’t believe I did this to someone I care about. How could I be so selfish?”
- Fear of consequences: “I’m terrified of the potential fallout, including losing my partner and the life we built together.”
- Confusion: “Should I leave my partner for my affair partner?”
- Anxiety or uncertainty: “I’m constantly anxious about the future and how this will affect us long-term.”
- Responsibility: “I feel an immense weight of responsibility for the pain I’ve caused.”
- Confusion: “Why did I even do this in the first place?”
- Self-loathing: “I can’t forgive myself for what I’ve done.”
- Desire for redemption: “I want to prove that I’m committed to change and rebuilding trust with my partner.”
How Secrets Impact Trust and Relationships
Keeping secrets is a common theme in affairs. Secrets can be seductive, giving the person a sense of control or empowerment. They can also provide a sense of protection by preventing or delaying the consequences of actions. However, secrets exact a huge toll on the keeper and their relationship.
The impact of secrets reach many aspects of life including perception. Secret-keepers have been known to view hills as being steeper than they truly are, distances being further, and common physical tasks to be more burdensome. In short, life just feels harder when you are weighted down with a secret.
Secrets also deplete our energy, and there’s a good reason for that. Concealing information (like an affair) takes effort. We need to continually monitor ourselves to avoid doing something that might be revealing. Sometimes, that means changing what we say. Other times, it can mean worrying about how we say it.
When keeping a secret, we have to remind ourselves to be careful about continuing the charade. All that effort to prevent the exposing of a secret causes what researchers call “self-regulatory depletion.” What’s more, the bigger the secret, the more our efforts are likely to deplete us. The resulting fatigue impacts secret keepers intellectual sharpness, interpersonal closeness, and physical endurance.
Keeping secrets also clashes with our motivation to connect with and receive support from others, evoking a sense of isolation. It hinders our ability to be fully authentic and unguarded within relationships, eroding the capacity for intimacy. This overwhelming effort also leaves less energy to be helpful and supportive to others.
Ultimately, secrets carry an emotional burden. Keeping secrets can lead to feelings of shame, isolation, uncertainty, and inauthenticity, which can generate anxiety and loneliness. Many feel shame and guilt for not being truthful to their loved ones. Even those who believe trust is the cornerstone of a good relationship aren’t immune to the irony of their own deception.
Once infidelity is discovered, trust is broken. People who discover their partner’s infidelity often report feeling more hurt by the lies and deceit than by the betrayal itself. For example, “It’s not the affair that hurts, but that I was lied to about it.” Once the trust is gone, the betrayed partner experiences a hypervigilance around having to continually search for and uncover the truth for themselves. This process is scary, exhausting and damaging for the betrayed partner.
How to Start Healing
The impact of affairs on romantic relationships can be profound, affecting trust, intimacy, and emotional safety and connection. Whether it’s an emotional, physical, or cyber affair, each type can create challenges for couples. The secrecy and betrayal involved often lead to deep wounds that require careful and compassionate healing.
In Emotionally Focused Therapy, we emphasize the importance of understanding the underlying needs and desires that led to the affair. Open and honest communication is essential for rebuilding trust and reconnecting with your partner. By addressing these core issues, couples can work towards creating a more secure and resilient relationship.
If you or someone you know is struggling with the aftermath of an affair, I am here to support you. As part of our commitment to helping couples heal, I offer a free couples consultation to help you begin your journey towards understanding, healing, and reconnection.
Feel encouraged to schedule your consultation whenever you see fit. Together, we can navigate the path to healing and build stronger, more loving relationships.
Warmly, Morgan Beatty, EFT
