Volume 2; Issue 1
An affair is a relationship or interaction with another person outside the primary relationship without express consent. It can last only minutes or many years. It involves a breach of trust and can encompass emotional, physical, sexual engagement or a combination of all three.
Interestingly, an affair is not defined by act but by the impact it has on the betrayed partner. For example, a continued emotional connection with someone outside the relationship could be equally, if not more, devastating than a one-time physical encounter. It’s the feelings of betrayal and broken trust that are experienced by the wounded partner that define the degree of injury.
Affairs take many forms, and understanding them can help address underlying issues that open the door to betrayal. It can also help couples work toward healing and resolution.
There’s tons of chatter out there about affairs and infidelity. It can be hard to know what sources to trust. This can make the aftermath of an affair all the more disorienting and painful, and delay recovery within the relationship.
But among the chatter are some well informed experts and solid guidance. For example, one resource I recommend is Ester Perelle’s Ted Talk where she explores if the relationship is the reason for the affair, or if there’s a personal and internal struggle within the betraying partner that explains why they strayed.
Another reputable perspective comes from EFT where affairs are understood as occurring when there is emotional distance within the primary relationship. Whatever the reason for the affair, the betraying partner is still held accountable for their actions, and the couple must take actions to heal together.
Since affairs come in many forms, let’s outline some of the most common types.
Different Types of Affairs
Emotional Affairs: These involve deep emotional connections and intimacy without physical contact. They often start as friendships but gradually cross boundaries, creating a rift in the primary relationship. This can look like emotional sharing that competes with the intimacy in the primary relationship.
Sexual Affairs: These involve physical intimacy without emotional attachment. They’re usually driven by physical desire or the need for novelty and excitement. It can involve just a kiss or sex. It can happen once, several times with one partner, or multiple times with multiple people.
Emotional-Physical Affairs: These involve both emotional connection and physical intimacy. These types of affairs can be particularly devastating because they combine the elements of emotional betrayal and physical unfaithfulness.
Cyber Affairs: These take place online through chat rooms, social media, dating websites, or texting. They can be emotional, physical (through images or videos), or both.
Regardless of the affair type, feelings of betrayal, deception and broken trust are constants for each.
Perelle says affairs are often less about the other person and more about the unfulfilled needs and desires within oneself. They can be a way to seek validation, excitement, or a sense of aliveness.
It’s crucial to explore the “why” behind an affair, and we can do that by first understanding who has them through practical, but fictional, use cases.
Examples of Affairs
Disclaimer: The four examples listed below are entirely fictional and do not represent any real-life person or event. The purpose of each story is to provide practical use cases to better understand affairs.
1. Seeking emotional connection
Sarah and Mark had been married for 10 years. They shared a deep bond, but over time, their relationship became routine and predictable.
Sarah felt unappreciated and longed for excitement. She reconnected with an old college friend, and their conversations quickly became more intimate. What started as innocent catch-ups evolved into an emotional affair.
Sarah felt understood and valued by her old college friend, something she had been missing in her marriage. When Mark discovered the affair, he was devastated.
Through therapy, Sarah and Mark learned to communicate their needs and rebuilt their emotional connection, ultimately strengthening their marriage.
2. Wanting more quality time together
Angela and Fred had been together for 15 years. Fred’s demanding job often left Angela feeling neglected and lonely. Seeking companionship, she joined an online community where she met someone.
Their virtual conversations soon turned flirtatious, and they began sharing explicit messages and photos. Angela felt guilty but also exhilarated by the attention. When Fred stumbled upon her online activities, he felt betrayed.
In therapy, Angela and Fred addressed the underlying issues in their relationship, including Fred’s work-life balance and Angela’s need for connection. They worked together to rebuild trust and intimacy.
3. Seemingly out of nowhere
James and Emily had a practically perfect relationship. However, James felt a growing sense of inadequacy and self-doubt.
He met a coworker who admired and validated him. Their professional relationship quickly turned physical, and James found solace in his co-worker’s admiration. When Emily discovered the affair, she was heartbroken.
In therapy, James and Emily explored James’ feelings of inadequacy and worked on rebuilding their emotional and physical intimacy. They came out of the experience with a deeper understanding of themselves and their relationship.
4. Reconnecting with aliveness
Matt and Stephen had been together for five years. They had a great relationship and loved each other deeply even if things had become a little routine. Following the death of Matt’s Dad, Matt began to fear whether he was living his life as fully as he could. The presence of mortality caused Matt to yearn for something that confirmed his aliveness.
He met Tim at a sporting event. The intensity of their mutual attraction made Matt feel alive and things turned physical, even though his guilt gnawed at him.
In therapy, Matt and Stephen explored the impact of Matts’ loss and his fear of death. They explored Matts’ tendency to put others’ needs ahead of his own and abandon his own needs in the process. They finished therapy with a deep understanding of how to ask for and honour each other’s needs and create aliveness together.
What to Do About Affairs
Navigating the aftermath of an affair is challenging, but it’s possible to heal and rebuild trust. As an Emotionally Focused Therapist, I’m here to support you every step of the way.
If you or someone you know is struggling with the impact of an affair, I offer a free couples consultation to help you begin your journey towards healing and reconnection.
Stay tuned for my next newsletter, where we’ll dive deeper into the impact of affairs on relationships and discuss strategies for healing and moving forward.
Remember, you are not alone. There is hope, and there is always help.
