Volume 1; Issue 3
As we draw near to the end of another year and step into the holiday season, it brings me great joy to present to you the final installment of our newsletter series on Shame.
If you’re new around here, welcome! I’m Morgan Beatty, and today, we’re diving into how we can deal with Shame using Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT).
Over the last two issues, we’ve defined Shame and explored its impact on relationships. Now, I want to share practical tools to empower you to manage and heal from Shame, using EFT.
The Weight of Shame and the Promise of EFT
To this point, we’ve covered how Shame is a powerful emotion that can weigh heavily on our hearts and minds, often leaving us feeling isolated and unworthy. It can manifest in several ways, from self-criticism to a feeling of a deep sense of inadequacy. While that can seem daunting, the good news is that EFT offers a path toward healing and transforming these feelings into connection and self-compassion.
EFT is grounded in the understanding that emotions are central to our experience and relationships. It aims to create secure emotional bonds and helps us to face our fears and vulnerabilities with courage and support. In fact, here’s 5 simple strategies you can use in your daily life. Using them could very well be the greatest gift you can give yourself. After all, ‘tis the season to be kind to everyone, including the person you see in the mirror.
Disclaimer: All examples listed below are entirely fictional and do not represent any real-life person or event. The purpose of each story is to provide practical use cases of dealing with Shame through EFT.
1. Safe and secure connection
EFT emphasizes the healing power of relationships. Overcoming shame requires a safe and secure connection with someone who can tolerate emotional discomfort and understand and accept you when Shame is present.
Share your feelings with trusted friends, family members, or a therapist who can offer understanding, acceptance and empathy without judgment.
Shame tells us to hide parts of ourselves because these parts make us unacceptable and unlovable to others. These messages seem believable and scary. However, sharing your Shame with someone shatters the illusion of these messages and helps you step toward self-acceptance, compassion and love.
Bonus: Sharing in this vulnerable way enhances intimacy and satisfaction within relationships!
Example: David felt ashamed about his recent job loss. He confided in his close friend, who listened without judgment and reassured him that his struggles were relatable and that he was not alone. This connection helped David feel supported and less isolated in his experience. Feeling seen and valued even in the face of his Shame soothed and encouraged David.
2. Understand emotional triggers
Building awareness of our emotional triggers is crucial. The secure connection that is emphasized in EFT helps create brain changes that facilitate curiosity and openness. Take advantage of time spent with important people in your life over the holidays to reflect on situations that provoke Shame and try to understand the underlying causes.
Example: During the holiday season, Matt felt Shame about not being able to afford extravagant gifts for his children. By exploring these emotions, he realized that his Shame was rooted in societal expectations and a fear of being perceived as inadequate. This awareness allowed him to talk to his wife and find comfort. Together they were able to get curious and creative about redefining what it means to be a loving parent.
3. Recognize and label your emotions
Central to dealing with Shame is to identify and acknowledge it. Get curious about what physical sensations are present when you are feeling Shame. Too often, we suppress or ignore our feelings, which backfires and only intensifies the Shame. EFT encourages us to acknowledge our emotions.
Example: Sarah, a young professional, often felt ashamed when she made mistakes at work. Instead of brushing off her feelings, she started naming them — “I feel ashamed because I think I should be perfect.” This simple act of labeling helped her begin to understand and process the root cause of her Shame. She only got praise and acknowledgment from her parents when she performed well. Perfection was connected to love and belonging for Sarah.
4. Expand emotional capacity
Did you know that our nervous systems are communicating with others all the time? Amazingly, they don’t even need words to do this!!
Co-regulation happens when the presence of one person’s calm and regulated nervous system soothes and calms others. And this communication is sending an important message around Shame. “It’s ok to feel this and I will be here to help you navigate it”.
In response to these messages, we then risk moving toward Shame with curiosity and openness. This expands our emotional capacity by helping us tolerate and navigate Shame effectively.
Start to notice who gives you the feeling of calmness and safety. Seek out their company and experiment with leaning into Shame to address it in new ways.
Example: Sarah hated the feeling that accompanied not having the right answer to her students’ questions. As a new teacher she felt worthless. Around her sister she felt calm and fully accepted. Her sister’s accepting and gentle nature enabled Sarah to sit in the vulnerability of her Shame long enough to address it and talk about it. Instead of spiraling into Shame, Sarah was able to share her worries and find healthy strategies for navigating forward in her new role.
5. Practice self-compassion
Self-compassion is a cornerstone of EFT. It involves treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a friend. When you feel Shame, gently remind yourself that it’s a common human experience and that you are worthy of love and empathy.
Example: Jane struggled with Shame related to her body image, especially during holiday gatherings that are often centered around food. Instead of criticizing herself, she practiced self-compassion by speaking kindly to herself, “It’s okay to feel this way. Many people experience similar feelings. I am more than my appearance.”
A Holiday Gift to Yourself
As we celebrate the holidays, let’s remember to give ourselves the gift of compassion and emotional healing. Dealing with Shame is a journey, but with the tools and principles of EFT, we can navigate this path with greater awareness, understanding, and connection.
Remember, you are not alone. Shame is a common experience, but it does not define you. By recognizing your emotions, fostering self-compassion, and seeking support, you can break free from Shame and move into growth and resilience.
Wishing you a season of warmth, love, and healing.
